its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
