just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
