i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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