god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
