You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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