if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
