The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
