Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
two words: eviction party
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize