No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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