By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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