i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
