I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
