Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
