Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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