I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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