im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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