Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
