I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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