I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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