i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize