my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
