she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
