if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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