Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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