very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're a waste of cheezeits
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
