using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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