FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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