I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
