i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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