I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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