woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
