i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize