omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
