Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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