Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
