I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
