you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
