Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
