You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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