We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
