My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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