go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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