I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
