Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
