Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
