Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
