I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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