last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
