1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
