I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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