I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
