May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
