You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
