Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
