You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
