My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Too much gin, very little bucket
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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