she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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