What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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