he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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