Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
