I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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