listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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