i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize