you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
