how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
