my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
