I'd wear matching sweaters with you
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize